


little mourning

by ofjisoos (swelter)



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Infidelity, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-21
Updated: 2016-11-14
Packaged: 2018-07-29 17:32:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7693249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swelter/pseuds/ofjisoos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>joshua falls in love with the beach at sixteen, then the human embodiment of the sun at twenty-eight. this is all that happens in between.</p>
<p>(or, eight josh ship drabbles loosely based on songs off of ‘little mourning’ by milk and bone.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i was listening to 'little mourning' about a month ago and was inspired by the songs, decided i wanted to write josh ships (loosely) based on them and so this happened. this is mostly angst -- you've been warned -- but i promise you it'll be a happy ending. try and stick with me till the end, josh stans/josh ship enthusiasts.
> 
> ("i'm capable of writing happy things !!" i yell, as i write even more angst to satisfy my emo dark soul)

**i. searching for a shooting star, if i could ever swim that far**

 

joshua falls in love with the beach when he is sixteen. 

 

the blister on his skin, the sand between his toes and the waves lapping at the shore are all the things he loves about the beach, but what he loves most is soonyoung’s bright, obnoxious laughter ringing through the atmosphere. soonyoung’s discarded his sunglasses somewhere, kicking up salt water and getting his bleached blonde hair wet. joshua watches him from a distance, ignoring the sandcastle he’d been trying to sculpt for the past hour.

 

when soonyoung comes up to him, joshua pats down on the pathetic excuse of a building he’s made. he blinks up at soonyoung, suddenly feeling very self-conscious. 

 

“hey, d’you- maybe,” soonyoung falters, “d’you wanna get ice pops? with me?” he scuffs at the ground with his foot. 

 

joshua nods. he spends the rest of the afternoon trying not to stare at soonyoung’s strawberry stained mouth. he almost fails to catch soonyoung asking him if he wanted to _come to the party, around 7_? jerking out of his stupor, he agrees, and feels his heart skip a beat when soonyoung smiles at him, wide and eager. 

 

he has the same look on his face when joshua gives consent to soonyoung kissing him later.

 

soonyoung doesn’t taste anything like strawberries, and it ends up being slobbery, which they laugh about right after. they give it a few more tries. joshua decides he likes the talking and hand-holding better, even though their palms get uncomfortably clammy after a while.

 

the next day, soonyoung has a bright red lipstick stain on his cheek. he splashes around in the water with his louder, more interesting friends. 

 

joshua goes to get an ice pop by himself, leaving their initials carved in the sand behind him. he spends most of the summer chasing and skittering away from the waves he knows will always come back to him the way soonyoung doesn’t. 

 

 

 

 

**ii. clean sweep to the memory gland, peace**

 

joshua thinks it’s profoundly fitting that the first time he meets jeonghan, it is to the sound of heart-rendering orchestral music. 

 

it’s been about a month since the semester had started — joshua’s already swimming in workload too much to bear, but at least this showcase he’s been dragged to by seungkwan has good music. classical music, mostly, but good, soothing music nonetheless.

 

they make quick acquaintances out of each other, then friends — barely. jeonghan meets joshua at the library every day, pretending to leaf through his economics textbook in between texting some girl he met at last weekend’s rager at the frat house. joshua tries to concentrate on algebraic equations he can barely make sense of, but fails. the air conditioner is broken and jeonghan’s cologne lingering in the stuffy air is all he can take in right now.

 

with jeonghan, joshua is simultaneously connected and disconnected. they’re intimate in their playful jabs at each other (joshua berates him for his pointless presence in the library; jeonghan retorts that joshua’s not _really_ studying anyway) and the way they nuzzle each other’s necks when joshua sleeps over at jeonghan’s dorm room.

 

but then reality hits him like an unpleasant aftertaste when jeonghan promptly leaves their usual friday night hangouts with seungkwan and hansol to meet up with someone joshua presumes has a better physique than his wiry frame, or when joshua wakes up in the mornings to an empty spot next to him in jeonghan’s own bed. 

 

“i like you.” joshua takes a risky chance, one night when they’re watching some stupid happy madison movie, his heart beating a little too loudly in his ears. 

 

jeonghan tenses. “we should sleep.”

 

so they do. the day after (and all the following ones), they go on like nothing had happened. joshua learns to bite his tongue from then on, learns that no matter how much you push yourself to believe in a fallacy, doesn’t make it any realer. 

 

 

 

 

**iii. darling, i'm not the one to watch**

 

mingyu has a firm grip around joshua’s wrist, and on his world. 

 

he reminds joshua of a little boy he used to look after back in high school. two years his junior, mingyu is reckless and fickle-minded, and most of all, restless. he points out strange blobs in the canvas they’re standing in front of, and joshua laughs along appreciatively. he lets mingyu drag him from one exhibit to another, listening to him babble about the renaissance era and romantic era — it’s all greek to joshua, but mingyu’s voice keeps a smile on joshua’s face even though he’d much rather be somewhere else.

 

the wine being served at the university art gallery makes mingyu handsy. joshua brings him back to his apartment, tucks him into bed and gets ready to leave, shaking his head at how oddly parental it all seems — until mingyu pulls him down onto the sheets with him. they roll around on the bed and mingyu laughs as he leaves small kisses on joshua’s exposed collarbones. 

 

“mine, mine, mine,” mingyu hums against joshua’s skin, “you’re all mine.”

 

the sex is clumsy — mingyu touches him with little focus as to what feels good and what doesn’t, opting to cover as much ground as he can, quantity over quality. joshua winces a little at how rough he is, but he lets mingyu have his way with him until mingyu tires himself out, collapsing next to him, heavy bones and lanky limbs and all. 

 

the next morning, mingyu brings him breakfast in bed. joshua chews on his toast and admires mingyu getting his eggs done exactly the way he likes it. mingyu grins at him fondly, tells him he’s beautiful, and joshua feels loved. it feels right. he can’t help but smile into the kiss mingyu gives him before they leave for work and class respectively. 

 

but barely weeks later, mingyu lets go of his hand in favour of bigger, better things, and joshua’s never felt more inadequate.

 

 

 

 

**iv. like good water pressure, in a cold rainy summer**

 

right off the bat, joshua knew seungcheol wasn’t going to be a constant in his life. 

 

the sight of the band on seungcheol’s finger makes him queasy, but seungcheol is handsome in a suit and he’s looking at joshua like _that_ and joshua’s always had difficulty saying the word ‘no’. he lets seungcheol take him home after the date — he’s not easy, he tells himself, seungcheol’s just charming, and the way he’s kissing up joshua’s neck in the taxi on the way makes putty out of his knees. 

 

(they’re the same knobby knees seungcheol uses as starting points to work his way up to mark joshua’s thighs. joshua thinks he’s starting to hate them a little less.)

 

the way seungcheol fucks him isn’t so much lazy as it is conscientious. he takes care to ask if this or that is okay and joshua wants to say, _yes it’s okay you’re more than okay_ , but doesn’t manage anything beyond aroused slurring. seungcheol picks up the pace after a while, thrusts sloppier until joshua feels him still, and it’s all over.

 

or so joshua presumes.

 

“oh.” he’s surprised when seungcheol pulls him into the shower with him later. the tiles on the wall are cold on joshua’s bare back, but the water from the shower and seungcheol’s mouth on his warm him up. with their foreheads pressed together, joshua’s hazy mind takes note of details — seungcheol’s pretty eyelashes and the near-punishing torrent of water beating his back and the way seungcheol’s hand moves to stroke him with so much care and precision. 

 

joshua comes with a small gasp, letting his head rest against the droplet smattered surface of seungcheol’s shoulder. 

 

“see you at work,” seungcheol sees him to the door, lips curling to form a sated smile. joshua tries not to grimace at the thought of seeing seungcheol behind the frosted glass separating the executives’ office and the regular employees’ cubicles.

 

a heavy downpour greets him upon leaving the apartment. he hates the rain, hates getting wet, hates being people’s second choice.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so after 3 months, i've Finally gained enough muse to get my shit together and finish this series up woohooo !! thanks to everyone who read, left kudos and comments the last time this was posted, it means a lot! and special shoutout to niz, always, for rereading and leaving the comment that spurred me on to pick up from where i left off and wrap this up for good. you are truly the Wind_Beneath_My_Joshua_Stan_Wings.mp3.

**v. thought i could stay, but what can i say?**

 

wonwoo makes infidelity feel like a breeze.

 

not that he knew of his detrimental part in ridding joshua of the remnants of seungcheol in his veins. he’d just been somebody joshua met at a bookstore, of all places. it was a cliche meet-cute straight out of a well-meaning romantic comedy, which joshua’s life definitely isn’t.

 

wonwoo’s all sharp angles and deep rumbles of laughter, nothing like joshua himself, but they work. they work best under blanket forts, torchlight shining on a book spread open, balanced between the crevice where their knees meet. the rumbling thunder and the pitter-patter of the rain against the windowsill of wonwoo’s living room provide them an ambience fitting for the story they’re reading. joshua reads the text aloud, because wonwoo insists on it.

 

the tips of wonwoo’s fingers pinch the hem of joshua’s sleeve. joshua clears his throat, feels it burn. it must be about an hour and a half into his reading. wonwoo closes the book between them, absently traces a finger from one mole on joshua’s cheek to another. joshua feels a twinge of guilt when wonwoo kisses him, but reminds himself that it doesn’t matter. he didn’t matter.

 

joshua shows up at seungcheol’s doorstep hours later, soaked to the core. rainwater drips off of him, the bruises on his neck telling seungcheol the words joshua can’t bring himself to speak.

 

he doesn’t miss the crestfallen expression on seungcheol’s face before the door closes in his face.

 

(he did matter — despite the framed wedding pictures lining seungcheol’s shelves, despite the phone calls cut short upon the sounds of a petulant child on seungcheol’s end.)

 

his relationship with wonwoo ends after two months. joshua’s never gotten rid of his habit of reading aloud ever since.

 

  
  
  
**vi. i will run, far away (from you)**

 

jihoon’s hands are calloused against the back of joshua’s smoother ones.

 

the rough pads of jihoon’s fingers are not unlike joshua’s some five years ago. that was before he abandoned his guitar to collect dust at the corner of his room, leaving his own fingers to lose their resistance against the sting of the metal strings. luckily for him, jihoon’s teaching him to play the piano. the keys are smooth beneath joshua’s trembling fingers, making tinkling sounds as he presses down carefully to play different chords.

 

“it’s okay.” jihoon offers him a soft, encouraging smile when joshua makes a mistake.

 

the tune reverberating through the hall lumbers with melancholy. it’s similar to how heavy joshua’s footsteps are when he makes his way up to the bathroom. he steps into the shower — it’s a little too empty. he looks into the mirror to see damp pink hair, a face that’s a little unrecognisable because of how gaunt it is.

 

the next morning, joshua sits at jihoon’s kitchen island with chamomile tea.

 

“you don’t like tea,” jihoon remarks, raising an eyebrow as he settles opposite of joshua with his usual coffee.

 

“just trying something new,” joshua shrugs. he’s been trying new things for the past few months now. it’d started with his new employment at a record store — far, far away from his old office building. (this was also where he’d first met jihoon, who had then frequented the place so often that joshua’s coworker, minghao, exasperatedly pointed out that, _bro, he’s_ dying _to ask you out_.)

 

he’s tried taking his fruit juices with less sugar. (“ _this is still really sweet, though, shua_.”)

 

he’s made valiant attempts at learning japanese. (“ _i’m really not sure, but i think that was a swear word_.”)

 

but the one constant he always comes back to is jihoon -- jihoon, who keeps joshua in check when he starts to dissociate through all these changes.

 

when he moves out from jihoon’s place, jihoon pulls him down for their first (and last) kiss, cheeks aflame. “take care of yourself.”

 

“will do.” joshua’s eyes crinkle at the corners as he smiles. his hair is back to dark brown. he’s finally starting to feel like himself again.

 

 

 

 **vii.** **by the time we get old, my feet won’t be cold**

 

joshua's former-junior-in-college-turned-roommate seungkwan _had_ an elaborate plan to set him up with a date, but it unceremoniously turns into an impromptu karaoke session for three instead.

 

room 36 is unbearably gaudy, with its multi-coloured strobe lights and interrupting sounds from other rooms occupied by drunken patrons recklessly butchering trot songs or lonely ones singing out to heartrending ballads. seungkwan falls under neither of those categories, but his sentimental belts fill up the gaps in the awkward conversation between joshua and seokmin perfectly.

 

when joshua sees the nervous tremble in seokmin’s hands when seungkwan offers the microphone to him, insisting, “i’m good, i’m good,” joshua thinks he gets him.

 

there are two other things he comes to understand about seokmin as they progress:

 

1) seokmin is bright and kind — easy to love.

 

2) seokmin is warm and selfless — easy to fall in love with.

 

even at twenty-seven, joshua doesn’t quite know how to distinguish between the two when seokmin grins at him, luminous like the sun, every time he comes by. he hovers like casper the friendly ghost in seungkwan’s helter-skelter space of a home, louder when seungkwan is around and conversely shyer when he’s not.

 

“he likes you,” seungkwan unnecessarily remarks one night, over poorly cooked spaghetti. joshua already knows this, along with the clear, “ _this sucks why’d i let shua hyung take over the kitchen today_ ” on seungkwan’s face as they eat.

 

it isn’t up until after the dreadful karaoke day did seokmin decide to work up the nerve to talk to joshua.

 

their first date goes well. a little too strained and polite, slightly boring — but safe. joshua thinks he likes safe. but then seokmin, out of some kind of adrenaline rush, gives him a peck just before turning tail and leaving joshua to stand at his own doorway, fingers to his lips in disbelief.

 

that night, he ends up thinking about the many, many times he’s been impulsively kissed like this. he decides seokmin deserves better than the beginnings of the pseudo-love he was about to give to him, and casts them away.

  
  
  


**viii. i could drive with you for miles, if it meant that we could finally be**

 

“i just — i didn’t want to take the easy route ~~(anymore)~~ , you know? of giving myself away, just because.”

 

the sheets rustle. joshua feels a tightening grip around his waist, a low hum of something closer to an acknowledgment rather than agreement, just by the shell of his ear. he sighs, closing his eyes and fumbling around for a hand to cup between both of his. he plays with long, slender fingers as he considers the thoughts whirling around in his head.

 

“you probably didn’t want to hear all of that,” joshua rolls over to come face-to-face with junhui with an apologetic smile. with the little space left between them, joshua didn’t think it was possible for them to get any closer, but junhui cranes slightly further to rub the tip of his nose with his.

 

“it’s fine. go on.” junhui’s eyes, even in the dimness, are alight with some kind of encouragement, or perhaps, reassurance.

 

“nah,” joshua shakes his head, lifting the corners of his mouth into a small smile. he feels junhui’s fingers curl into the fabric of his sweater as he returns it, twice as bright. “c’mon. word of the day. go.”

 

“but it’s barely nine,” junhui whines, pouting. “i thought we agreed that our mandarin lessons start only _after_ we’re both well-fed?”

 

“well, neither of us seem to be in the mood to get up, so.”

 

“ _so_ ,” junhui echoes, “we stay in bed.” he dips the hand on joshua’s waist under the woolly sweater, squeezing the pliant skin just beneath it. “we stay, until we get so hungry our stomachs start eating in on themselves and we surrender to microwaving the last two hot pockets left in the freezer.”

 

“last two? already? wow.” joshua huffs out a laugh. he squints. “you need a haircut.” his hand comes up to brush the offending fringe out of junhui’s eyes, and junhui shakes it back into place with a cheeky grin.

 

it shows itself in the little things, the sort of thing joshua’s found with junhui.

 

it’s in the way junhui plops his head on a splayed out book when joshua’s in the middle of murmuring its contents to himself, puckering his lips and demanding a kiss. (joshua gives in a lot more than he’d like to admit.)

 

it’s in the way they construct mohawks out of each other’s hair with soapsuds in the cramped shower, laughter bouncing off of the bathroom tiles when they stand side-by-side in front of the mirror, facing the comical sight.

 

it’s in the way junhui kisses his _iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou_ s to the crook of joshua’s neck when they have sex — the affair always being an eclectic mix of unrestrained praises expressed in the midst of the fervent heat between them and muffled laughter into pillows when a newly explored kink or position doesn’t work out as well as they’d imagined it.

 

it’s in the way joshua would sometimes find junhui’s antics stifling, in the disagreements over things they’d later realise are all too petty, making up over countless rounds of mario kart or bad-for-the-soul comedies with bad-for-the-body confectionery.

 

it’s in the way junhui wraps himself around joshua even when his back is turned, wriggling to find the best angles to make this particular morning's sleep-in a comfortable one for both of them.

 

their conversations carry on, soft in the hushed atmosphere, well until joshua realises the rain splattering against the window, like a stranger’s interrupting knocks on the invisible little bubble they’ve formed around themselves, away from the rest of the greying world outside. he watches the drops of water race along the panes of the glass, feels junhui press his lips against the back of his neck when he shivers.

 

 _jun’s like- like the_ sun — joshua thinks, in the sleepy haze tugging right at the edges of his eyelids — _all in the way he smiles and laughs and loves and just_ is.

 

it’s warm all around, joshua’s favourite kind of state to be in, where he feels he belongs.

 

the only cold thing digging into both his palm and junhui’s are the metal bands around their respective ring fingers. joshua decides he doesn’t mind that, not at all.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ha so i know the anticipated ship was seoksoo, but i hope the "plot twist" wasn't too disappointing lmao. and i know it's about twice as long as the other drabbles but oh well. thanks for sticking around despite the long wait! :~)

**Author's Note:**

> (13/2/18) UPDATE : my lovely friend natalie made a thread of instagram edits to accompany this fic! you can find it [here](https://twitter.com/seokhvi/status/960032299621351424)
> 
> pls pls check it out, all the graphics in the thread convey the little details in each drabble so perfectly, and if you have twt an rt/like would be amazing bc nat deserves it UwU
> 
> also, thanks for reading! <3


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